What to Watch

I'm really pumped for Black Swan even though I'm not a huge fan of Natalie Portman (like, I think she peaked in The Professional).

I was checking out the trailer for I'm Still Here ...


I want to watch this too.

Okay. Bye now.

Animal Post.

GRRRR YOU SCARED.

Because there are two of them.

I just want the windows and the dog.

Annnnnnd maybe the rug/couches.

This would not go in my house since I hate birds irl and that would make me be living a lie.

I dont want to live a lie. 

The Not Animal Post for today.

I'm going to really invigorate my blog and, you know, post and stuff.

Here are thoughts from my tumblr.
So these arent new thoughts.  They're old thoughts I've copied and pasted.  We do this all the time in conversation; I'm doing it online.
Also, I highly suggest tumblr.  Its the laziest form of blogging after twitter.

This is water.  Its pretty.  See?

These are cute chocolate candy bars you can use for wedding favors.  I just would hope they use good chocolate on the inside and not shitty chocolate.  What does the outside matter if the inside is cheap?

IKNOWRYTE?

I made up a word from looking at this picture.
GUITARM.
You like?

I dont know if I could sit in the thing on the right.  It looks like it would go all beetlejuice on me and trap me.  

What I’m saying is, I can see some pent up karmic angry energy in that chair from its former animal.  Who wants to sit in a corner for the rest of their life?  I’d rather be 6 feet under or in someone else’s stomach … where a dead thing should be.  Not in some rich asshole or trendy hipster’s house.

The latter in this case.

Dont get in the back of that thing, little girl.
No candy is worth your virtue.

Alternate caption: BEWARE PEDO WAGON
Modern day version: white van, no windows

I need this when I teach yoga.  But I need my right arm to actually say “left arm” because when I lift my right arm, its actually everyone else’s left if I’m facing them.

ZzzzzZZZzzzzzzzz
Thanks for sharing, Niki.

Yes I really did send this to Oprah.com. I dare you to say something.

Dear Oprah, 


We were playing Cranium and I picked Oprah Winfrey. The other team put "Humdinger" as the most points. So I chose to hum over acting or drawing, whatnot and my team had to guess Oprah Winfrey through my humming. I started to hum the old Oprah Winfrey theme show music. And no one knew what I was humming! Basically, do you guys have an mp3 or youtube of the old Oprah Winfrey show theme song? I cant find one anywhere and I'm frankly disappointed in the Internet and its lack of all things pop culture (the Oprah theme song music should be in the Smithsonian for Pete's sake). My friends still dont know what I was humming. But they DID guess Oprah. Someone guessed "Scientology" and I did a *kinda* hand motion. Then someone else said "Tom Cruise!" and I got more animated (bc of the couch jumping thing). And then RIGHT when the buzzer went off, Kynslie said "OPRAH WINFREY!" and we got the points which eventually led us to defeat the other team in Cranium. Anyways, mp3 please! Everyone thinks I'm crazy! (It goes like this: Duh duh DUH duh, duh dum. Duh duh DUH duh, duh dum. Repeat, ad infinitum.)

Sometimes you have to meet the psycho halfway

I got in an argument with a real person but they didnt know I was mad at them; it was all in my head. So its not like I'm talking to myself but, on the other hand, the other person wasnt aware of this situation so maybe I was talking to myself?

Either way, I've declared they have a small penis so I win.

I watch way too much Biggest Loser

My dream.  Real life.

There's this overbearing swim coach that scared the kids.  They swam circles in the pool.  He wouldnt allow them to hold on to the sides of the pool.  And it was a deep pool.  He was barking orders while treading water.  And he was having a hard time keeping his own head underwater.  You know why?  Because he was incredibly obese.  I dipped my head underwater and saw him drop underneath the surface.  He was this big circle (think Willy Wonka Veruca Salt after the blueberries shape; just round, like a blown up balloon).  He had this thin innertube right under the largest part of his circular stomach.  It could only barely bring his chin above the water.  His arms were short stubs because the circle of his torso had enveloped the top 3rd of his upper arm (this is why fat guys have short penises.  You're welcome).  Since the bulk of his weight was above the innertube, he had a hard time staying upright.  He was kind of like those balloons in the Macy Thanksgiving parade, teetering right and left and front and back.  Since he's the fat guy in the pool, he's embarrassed so he's wearing a t-shirt. Its tight and he's also wearing striped red shorts that stop at his upper thigh. He flails his little arms to get his head back above water and starts barking orders to the scared 5 year olds once again.  

He doesnt know I'm there.

  

Then I wonder why he's even there in the first place.  Why is he around kids and water?  He seems so angry and out of place.  He isnt the right size and can barely keep his head above water.  

I get visions of his past.  He was an amazing swimmer.  Won competitions. Lightbulbs flashing.  Friendly. Happy.  

I'm a big fan of The Biggest Loser and time must have passed because the swim coach went on the show.  He's a normal sized person and happy again.  And I want to take his swim class to learn how to swim and to be around one of The Biggest Losers.  He sees me outside while we walk to the swimming pool for the group lesson.  He is average weight and looks fine on the outside but I have the impression his stomach is a saggy grandma boob with an innie instead of an outie (and by outie I mean grandma nipple).  He's maybe late 30s, early 40s.   

The swimming pool (as swimming pools tend to be) is around this complicated rickety, wooden structure we have to maneuver around.  It looks dangerous.  He climbs up, over, and through this structure with an air of 'fat guy I cant do this' hesitation.  Though it takes him awhile, he does it.  I know a regular guy without the fat guy past could have done it faster.   

Then its my turn. I get to a bridge with missing parts.  I have to jump from one small part to the next.  I see the swimming coach come to help me. I want him to go away because I dont want the bridge to stress under his weight. He's still large because of his height . . . and that remaining skin that I'm sure is under his pale Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts.  I remind myself that he's a Biggest Loser and cool. So I let him stand at the other side and encourage me to get across (though I find it really annoying and start not looking forward to the swim lessons).  We also climb down this other structure and finally get to the area in front of the swimming pool location.  He starts chatting me up and I can tell he's into me.  I dont want to go on a date with him.   

Then I wake up. 

Ummm, wtf?  I have not had a dream that I recall in a long time and this is the one I get?

The Lovely Bones was stupid.

So I tweeted three times in a row about The Lovely Bones.  Read from bottom up.

• 
  

  nikiverse The Lovely Bones: Plus I was watching it with my parents and they woudlnt stfu about how they had that wallpaper growing up. less than 20 seconds ago

• 
  

  nikiverse The Lovely Bones: If I were dead Id avenge my death, do pottery with Patrick Swayze. Not live in some pothead, Lisa Frank wetdream.1 minute ago

• 
  

  nikiverse The Lovely Bones: If I wanted to see What Dreams May Come again, I would shoot myself but thats besides the point. Susan Sarandon was great! 4 minutes ago

Straight copy/paste.  If what I need to inform the Internet involves more than 2.5 tweets, blogging would be a better option.  So here I go.

As the tweets show, I thought Lovely Bones was a bit ridiculous.  I've heard great things about the book ... but the movie makes me wonder if Alice Sebold honestly thinks a 14 year old being murdered and hanging out with other murdered dead girls is the best way to show us the discovery of one's sexuality?  I mean, I guess its "A way".

Which brings me to Peter Jackson.  Didnt he direct Lord of the Rings?  After seeing the movies, I just dont get the BFD about that trilogy.  I mean, yeah, their own language.  Elvish.  Call me normal but I dont get it.

Back to The Lovely Bones.  from imdb.com

Mark Wahlberg replaced Ryan Gosling just days before shooting began. In preparation for the role, Gosling had gained 20 pounds and grew out a beard. However, he vacated the role due to creative differences. Wahlberg, who had just completed shooting The Happening (2008), another production in Pennsylvania, became available just in time to accept Gosling's role.

I wonder what the "creative differences" were?  We all know that Mark Wahlberg used to be a white rapper so I'm sure he ALWAYS has artistic integrity in the forefront of his mind . . . thats probably covered up by a backwards facing ballcap. Oh, I think underneath that wifebeater there's still old Marky Mark underneath - who would sell his soul in a minute to revive the Funky Bunch.  Can you feel the vibration?  Feel it feel it.

Ryan Gosling's abs >> Mark Wahlberg's abs

Sidenote: I did like My Sister's Keeper.  Read the book too!  Cried during both.