funny stuff from tv

Okay Im so lame, Im blogging about funny and/or relevant stuff I heard on tv.

So.

LAST COMIC STANDING
I heard two yoga jokes so I HAD to make note.

Stretching to rap music. Its called Yo Yo Yoga.
Seth would like that I bet. Me, not so much. Okay, I'll give it an "eh".

This other comedian said how yoga was an entire hour of holding in a fart. That was funny. I've never farted during yoga though. Because I'm a delicate flower and I do not participate in such nonsense as farting. Especially during something as ancient and sacred as yoga.

CONAN O BRIAN

So during his monologue Conan says something like this: In California, a female figure skater told police someone slipped a roofie in her drink. She said she's not sure who did it, but she was sure it wasnt a male figure skater.

Okay I cracked up laughing.

But Conan's audience was silent. And then Conan starts laughing and says, "That did so badly, it amused me." And he says something about how after that joke was said, a quiet permeated the room that you cant get in deep space.
male figure skaters = gay. I got it Conan.

TV - good times.
[insert my typical tv disclaimer: i love tv but i dont spend my days wasting away in front of it. i watch less than 1 hour of tv a night. for sure, son.]

dogs are stupid - i mean - cute.

Excerpts from a Dog's Diary:

6:00 am - At last! I go pee! My favorite thing!
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
6:00 pm - They're home! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched tv with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!




Excerpts from a Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs. I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

UPDATE

I found the Alien Senteri 4 guy on youtube THANKGOD!

http://youtube.com/user/AlienComedian

Praise the Lord Jesus he has a myspace too??

www.myspace.com/aliencomedian

(oh and he is from Satiri 4. EXCUUUUSE ME.)

From a bike blog.

I play this little game while riding to and from work where I memorize the license plate of a passing car. When the next car drives by I memorize that one, and so on and so on. If there is an altercation, I've trained myself to look at the license plates first. So rather than use my middle finger to tell somebody how I feel, I can find out where they live based on that license plate and send them a letter of gratitude.

Flashback 10 weeks to Valentines Day in February. I'm riding within the law and hugging the curb as much as I safely can, doing about 20mph down the street, when a car lays on their horn for a good 10 seconds. They pass me, I memorize the license plate, approach them at the red light one block down, and stare into her window. No words said, no middle finger needed, I had her plates.

I "obtain" her name and home address (don't ask how) and write her the following letter:

"Dear Nancy,
Thanks for the extended horn honk this morning. It reminded me that today is Valentines Day and my wife just loves red tulips, the same red as your Cadillac. So thanks for the horn honk. Happy Valentines Day.
- Cyclist on 66th St."

I also enclose a fake traffic ticket and a copy of the Minnesota Department of Transportation rules of the road. No threats, other than she knows I know where she lives.

Fast forward to last Wednesday. I'm riding to work as usual, signaling my turns, flowing with traffic and abiding by the law when a car honks. I see the familiar license plate and verify the same red Cadillac with an older blonde woman driving. I wish you all could've seen her face when she pulled along side me at the red light and I said "Hi Nancy". All she could do was grip her steering wheel, look straight ahead, and figure out how she was going to get the poop off her panty hose once she got to work.

Score one for the cyclist.