August 26, 2008

totally NOT THEMED lingerie party

I'm going to a lingerie party this weekend. One of my friends is throwing it for her sister. She sent me an online receipt of the party favors.

Rainbow Penis Party BP23337 2 4.49
Straws
X-Rated Bachelorette BP8484 2 1.99
Party Toothpicks
Pecker Pencil Erasers - BP57709 1 3.99
12
Your Presence is BP18976 2 3.99
Requested Invitations - 8

Bachelorette Party Penis BP12382 2 3.39
Plates
Amazing Latex Penis BP92143 1 3.99
Balloons
Pecker Whacker Balloons - BP00190 1 3.99
5
Outta Control Caution BP20775 1 2.49
Tape
Cake Toppers - Pecker BP16111 1 4.99
Shaped Numbers
3' Truly Tasteless BP15612 1 11.99
Inflatable Penis
Mini Pecker Party Trays - BP31827 1 5.79


You mean to say that I can drink out of a penis straw? Wow.
Pecker Whacker Balloons floating around my face? You dont say.
I get to eat chips and dip off a paper penis plate? Get out of here.

As the great George Bush says, "Let's" get this party started and "Roll."

PS. I am trying to include the black penis in this blog somewhere but its all going to come out quite racist. If you feel the need for a black penis joke, you just youtube Lisa Lampanelli and enjoy her black penis loving self.

PPS. Penis.

August 20, 2008

delicious

When Im bookmarking crap from the internet (its an important life I lead, no?), I really despise that "online" tag. Arent all the links online? Since your favorite non-online things dont have URLs, you cant really link them to your delicious bookmarks. And even if your favorite tree deserved its own url, Im sure www.tree.com or www.myfavoritetree.com is already taken by greenpeace or lendingtree.

Segway to my delicious link.
http://delicious.com/nikirtehsuxlol


My online blog, have you read it?

August 15, 2008

we close with the word 'namaste' which means, ummm, i'm drawing a blank here

I taught my first ever yoga class yesterday! Teaching a class was starting to become a roadblock for me. The longer I waited, the less and less I wanted to teach a class because I was so scared and nervous because it had been built up so much because of the time I waited until I taught it. Because and stuff. Oh, and I got paid for it too.

I subbed for a yoga teacher at this Fortune 500 company. I'm in Atlanta area, and there are really only two big companies I can think of headquartered in Atlanta. They had a PHAT gym. One of the girls in the class says, "They do that so we dont ever leave." And I dont think she meant that in a long term basis, but on a day to day basis. Plus, they had hot guys lifting weights.

I walk in and they have this huge semi circle front desk with this black guy behind it. He has an earpiece that he's talking into and he starts talking to me at the same time. The conversation goes something like this. Me: "Do I need to sign in or something." Him: "Yes, sign in here please. Girl, Mmmhmmm I know whatchu talkin' bout, he been trippin. The fitness center is through those glass doors to the right."

In the group fitness class studio they had a really complicated stereo system. It took me 3 minutes to find "open" "Play" and about five minutes to skip tracks later on in the class. There was the master volume and the cd player volume. And then another volume knob for a microphone. A huge box with a smaller box on top. I dont know what the smaller box did, but I guess it was an afterthought. And I dont know why the big music box couldnt do what the small music box on top did.

OMG, this company's gym had YOGA BLOCKS! Umm, most places just have mats.

The class had a slew of participants:
- a younger girl who looked like she could do a lot of the yoga-ey things. But she wouldnt jump to the front edge of her mat! I know I know, watch my ego, but I still think she could have done it.
- this really tall, kinda overweight, grey haired guy. But he knew his yoga stuff for realz. His trikonasana was a little higher up but his form was pretty sweet.
- this woman who had back issues. She basically said she needed back surgery and they wanted to fuse spine things together. Those types scare me because I dont want them to hurt themselves.
- another yoga instructor. i guess the company didnt know if i would really show up, so she came later and just took the class. i didnt know she was an instructor until she told me. she does more of an iyengar style, and not so much flow. (i could tell the whole class wasnt used to "my style" but its good for their body to be tested and try out new things).
- this thin, tall guy who was pretty inflexible.
- this total yoga NOOB. During down dog, I just had to press her whole hand to the ground because she was just using the tips of her fingers.

At the end of the class, I told the new girl to definitely come back next week because i was just the substitute. And she said she'd come. And I heard comments from her about how she was probably going to be sore. I didnt do much of the class with them, but I was kind of sore too.

I flubbed with my words at times, but I think I will find my voice as a yoga instructor with practice. At least Im not a doctor/surgeon, where if you flub people have to get new surgeries, unnecessary surgeries or die.

August 10, 2008

i like pies

Aside from that instance (see previous blog), I had a nice time at church today. I am trying not to let that one little event dictate how the day went.

Fittingly (see previous blog), the talks were about kindness. And service.

One of the stories we heard was about a brick.

This guy was driving a porsche or something and he was late. Then he hears this brick hit his car. He slams on his brakes and sees a little kid who threw the brick at his car. The man is upset and grabs the kid and says, "what were you thinking?" The kid with the brick says, "I was trying to get someone to stop because my brother fell out of his wheelchair." The man still has the brick mark in his Porsche to remind him of that day.

I forgot what the exact point of the story was now that I think about it. I get the general gist. Also, the likelihood of a small kid having a brother fall out of a wheelchair and having a brick to throw at a car and actually hitting it all seems pretty suspect to me. But, nice story nonetheless.

- I might do a talent show thingie in the ward. Umm, yay?

- I got another girl's phone number last night and then another one today. I wish it was that easy with the guys (see previous blog).

- I heard the saying "untimely death" in Relief Society today. When is it ever a timely death?

- I signed up to bring food next week for the Italian linger longer. I usually dont bring food but will try my best to do so next Sunday. I have this odd aversion to attempting to cook. So hopefully I will have the time to get all the ingredients so I can poison people with my Italian garden salad so I wont have to ever bring food to church again.

- It looked like I had a comment in Sunday School. But I was just thinking of a deeper topic which barely linked with some of the ideas the teacher was putting out there. And the Sunday School teacher looks at me and says, "You look like you want to say something." And I say, "No thanks. Its a tangent and might be distracting." And he goes, "I like pies."

:D

delete your face

I dont know what the deal with this guy was at church today. But I was sitting in the foyer and this guy waltzes in all late. And he asks everyone if they've handed out the sacrament yet. And I answer and say that they've handed out the bread (helpful, no?). And he sneers and says something and gets all huffy about it. I cant even remember what was said. All I know is that he was rude as fu*k. So much as to where the girl standing next to me looks and has this WTF look in her face (that I dont even really know. So its not like she was my friend and doing it for my benefit). Now I know why no one else jumped to answer his question.

Sorry dude. Its not my fault you were late to sacrament and felt the need to spread your venom. And if asshattery comes that easily to you, then you need to work on more than just getting to church on time.

UGH! WHO DOES THAT?

Yeah. So anyways, I deleted him off my friend's list. Its the new pulling off your glove and slapping your opponent in the face. But without them knowing unless they physically looked through their friend database of people who have not slapped them gloveless and seeing if you are still on it or not. I guess.

addendum. seriously, this guy was an ass. he talked to me like i was some dude he wanted to punch bc I had just slept with his girlfriend.