I am the limiting reagent

to be comfortable in knowing and to be comfortable in not knowing.

IT was so weird today.

I have been having HORRIBLE times these past seven days with my side angle pose on my left side. It was so frustrating because, all of a sudden, I couldnt do this pose like I've done it in the past! I used to be able to go down to the floor, to bind - and then this past week I could barely get my elbow to my knee to do the basic pose (much less the more advanced stuff).
It was frustrating on the physical level.
But then I was frustrated because I was frustrated. Yoga isnt about doing what you could do in the past. Yoga isnt about being frustrated with your body's abilities.
I was afraid that this setback in this one asana was going to really affect my whole practice. I was going to start FEARing it.

It was odd that this happened when Betsy was teaching ... Bc later, I asked her this question about our intention. And Betsy wasnt even the instructor with me when we were setting up for the intention stuff. And she started talking about the purpose of the intention. And that helped me. Then she started talking to me about how she was coming home from her job as an airline stewardess. And it was New Years' Eve and it was all just hectic. And she ended up writing in a journal (or something, I dont know I really wasnt paying attention - KIDDING). And she wrote, like, 5 pages. And she said that was when she started being extremely honest with herself. And she knew that she actually wanted a husband. And then 4 months later, she got one.
And this was SO crazy because no one really knows in there the craziness in the LDS culture about getting married. And how I want to be married but not around this frenzy about getting married to get in the highest degree of Heaven way. I want to be in a marriage for me, for my husband, and for my posterity. For our stability. I feel like getting married to gain a high degree of salvation is great and all, but to the point where people are making hasty, perhaps ill-thought and planned out marriages is just immoral to me! When you get married so young and dont find out who YOU are, is that serving your future mate? your future posterity?
I know TONS of people make hasty decisions getting married and end up fine. But did they end up "the best"?

Well, it was just random that Betsy told me that later. And I just realized she was the one that brought me to that dreaded side angle pose. . . .

Okay, so back to asana practice.
We are in the side angle pose on the right side, my 'good' side (oh, how right that was in more ways than one). But the whole time Im thinking about the next step coming. The left side. I dont notice how great my body is on the right side because I'm already looking into the future about how bad its going to be on the left side. How many times do we do that in our life?
Then we go into side angle on the left side. I release out of it a few times. Feel very uncomfortable. And I feel the emotion just bursting from my face. Yes, I start crying in the middle of practice. The next pose we go into is Down Dog and I instead go into the nurturance of Child Pose. And cry. Like a child. My back is going up and down with my tears. Im quiet but I am sobbing to where I cant control my breath.
Is that yoga? Once you lose your breath, are you out of yoga practice? Is crying yoga?
I let the emotions come as they are though. I finish my practice in an emotion-filled but productive worthwhile way.

AFterwards, we were in Circle and the leader asked if anyone had anything they'd like to share about practice. Everyone was quiet and I feel like I was going to be allowed to speak. Like, they wanted me to get over this.

So I told the group about my frustration with the side angle pose on my left side and how I had just been frustrated because I didnt want this one failure to leak out into my whole yoga practice, my future yoga teaching, my perception about myself, and on outwards.
I mean, its weird! I have no pain in that leg. Nothing feels hurt or strained or tight there. Why cant I do it like the other side?

So we are told to stand straight and basically do a body scan of ourselves. In silence, of course. Feet on upward. To note any inconsistencies. Then we are told to focus all of our energy into the left side of our body. To note that. Then we are told to move that energy into the right side. Then to note that.
This was done over time, of course.

Then we got this little handout of 2 figures, one facing front and one facing back. And we were told to mark Xs where tightness and tension were. And Os where we felt openness. Then we were told to write comments about the R/L side of our body.
Then we got into partners. Mine was Lynn.
So I told Lynn that I felt my right butt clinch but not so much my left side. And then I also noticed that my right foot stayed grounded. I had more of my right foot touching the floor. My left foot had less contact with the floor. And I also noticed that when I wavered, my left leg's hamstring would tighten to compensate; whereas my right foot stayed consistently grounded.
Then, when we focused our energy on the left side, I noticed a dark red/maroon/black color. And this fiery energy. And when we were told to switch our energy from the left to the right side, I felt this "whoosh!" in my chest from the left to the right. It was like my energy was saying "O Im so glad Im not THERE anymore." And then my energy was all in the right side. And the right side was white light. Swirly comforting circular energy. In the exercise we were also asked to rest and find a "home" in our body. And mine was right behind my eyes.

Lynn was interesting. When I looked at her little man. Xs were all down the back fo the little man drawing. And Os were all down the front of the little man drawing. Lynn did have one O on the back of her little man. And it was right behind where her heart was. Lynn said she felt crazy saying this, but it might be because she's had people "stab her in the back" before and she feels like she can never relax back there. She says even when she washes her face ... she feels tight back there because she doesnt know when someone is coming . . . .

During posture focus, we brought this theme back up.
This guy in the class noted that he wasnt even aware that he had a back! So when we were doing posture focus on the Warrior (where students might have issues with leaning far forward), to tell students they have a back. That just because they are strong in the front part, does not make them strong everywhere. You align them where they are strong every where. Not just in the front or "where the camera sees".

What a freakin amazing discovery.
Where so many people live their whole lives, never experiencing one true deep belly breath how could they ever find something like this out?

random poetry i randomly wrote in an online forum

okay so my myspace fast was a miserable failure.
but from posting in there i was able to write some weird random things!


there once was a beautiful woman and an ugly man.
the man turns to the woman
and says
you are ugly

the woman turns to the man
and says
you are beautiful

and they smile





Im talking to myself
because i make all the greatest
conversations.

yeah.
owow!
yeahhh baby yeah.

uh huh.
what?
yeah baby yeah.

you may think you have power
but just look around and scour
and see that i am a thriller.
im a stone cold killer.



well i wont pretend to like a guy if i really dont
and act like they're great when they make my skin crawl
all i want is a guy i care about
or i want nothing at all.

well i dont want some douche throwing his maschismo around the bar
i dont want machismo in the car
i dont want to make a rich guy beg
what i want is a guy i care about
or i want nothing at all.



i think to myself

everyone
in their hummers
in their suvs
looking at me
thinking to themselves,
she's so cool

dont touch me im dirty.

Hmmm okay now I need to buy fruit and breakfast for the yoga class.
Im in the worst yoga shape right now, its not even funny.
I can hardly hold the poses for one breath, much less five.
And I am sure this has nothing to do with eating out with fast food every day this week.
Yeah, I rock.

:(
Not looking forward to sucking this weekend.
My prana is way off kilter.

leech

a leech
- carnivorous or bloodsucking aquatic or terrestrial worms typically having a sucker at each end
- a follower who hangs around a host (without benefit to the host) in hope of gain or advantage
- bleed: draw blood; "In the old days, doctors routinely bled patients as part of the treatment"
- a character from the popular toy line Masters of the Universe by Mattel

the kind liar.

Okay so there's this guy (how many blogs start off like this? Like, a little over half of them?).

Okay, scratch that first part.
We'll try it this way:

Kindness or honesty? Kindness or honesty?
He chooses kindness.
I choose honesty.
[Interesting to note. The other person who said "kindness" was the gay guy cheating on his boyfriend. Great company, right?]

Aside from hairstyles and body size, I would hope honesty would always prevail over kindness. With questions where kindness or honesty has to be chosen (egs, "do you love me" "why are there fish scales in the toilet? where's bubbles?" and other affairs of the heart) the kindest thing to do is to be honest. To spare the asker's feelings is vain and selfish on the kind liar's part.

Where one has to be chosen.
Honesty over kindness.

Goodbye Myspace, I barely knew thee.

So its not really a goodbye, just more of a myspace fast.

To better prepare myself for Yoga Teacher Training, I am going to not log on Myspace until February when I graduate. So far its pretty nice. I feel a little twinge of regret for my hasty decision bc now I cant add all the cool people I've met until after YTT.
I mean, nothing is really set in stone. I might log back on to add some pictures. So maybe then I can add all the cool people I've recently met.

But during class, we were told about the whole rich guy getting to Heaven being harder than a camel going through an eye of the needle. And the story follows that most cities were walled up in the times of Jesus. And some of the doors into the city were too small for camels to just stroll through. So the camel would not only have to unload its pack, but also get down on its knees to get inside the walls of these cities. (Get it? Much like the rich guy getting into Heaven). Anyways, the parable really spoke to me when I heard it spoken in that way.

So a few days later, I was driving. And I just had the thought come into my mind that I should not log on myspace anymore.
Its not that Myspace is "bad", its just that my relationship to Myspace is bad. Just as in the parable: its not that our possessions are bad, but our relationship to them. But instead of going home to do something productive (like watch tv?) I would get on Myspace for another hour or so. Neglecting my duties of working out, cleaning my room, eating, (watching TV), etc.
So I think this break will be good for us.

I also think its good because I see how much a lot of those people dont REALLY give a rat's ass about me. And we all basically use each other for entertainment purposes.

Yeah, so two days and counting (more like 1 and a few hours). Ummm, 120 more days to go.

Brahmacharya

So, in yoga teacher training, we each have to pick one of the 8 limbs of Raja Yoga and lead a discussion on it.

My topic is Brahmacharya .... which was picked last for some odd reason . . . But its one of the five limbs of "do nots" (and there's also five observances). The Dos and DoNots are part of only two of the limbs of Raja Yoga (if you were trying to keep up count)
But brahmacharya basically promotes celibacy when single and faithfulness in marriage. And this extends to keeping your thoughts pure when it comes to other married folk. Also includes no masturbation, perverse sexual acts, etc.

- The 8 "Limbs" of Raja Yoga are somethign that need to be developed as a whole. You cant master one and move on to the next. Just like our body: You dont grow right arm, then left arm, then right leg, then left leg - it all grows together. (applicable to the gospel)

- In a broader sense, brahmacharya is about having control over all of your senses (and desires). Not just in action, but in thought and word as well. Just because you are celibate does not mean that you have achieved brahmacharya.

- sexual energy is an energy. and males and females should harness their sexual energy and put it forth for something fruitful and not towards ejaculation or what have you.
I think this is true as well. How many times do you see people who dont get sex have to go work out or something to put that "energy" somewhere else?

- Some people get really.. you know, weird, with this stuff. and say that when a male ejaculates, it is (in a sense) god/creation in motion. so we should treat this action with respect and sacredness. Not in a toilet with a playboy, ya know?

- Celibacy: spiritual growth is as electricity: lightbulb
Or you could look at celibacy as a weapon to things that halt our spiritual growth. Having control over desires will stop things like lust, greed, anger, jealousy and so on. Just as you cannot draw a picture without a wall, paper, or something to draw on - you cant have health and spiritual life without celibacy.

Man, with his boasted intellect, has to learn lessons from birds and animals. Even animals have more self-control than men. It is only the so-called man who has degraded himself much by indulgence. At the heat of sexual excitement, he repeats the same ignoble act again and again. He has not a bit of self-control. He is an absolute slave to passion. He is a puppet in the hands of passion. Like rabbits he procreates and brings forth countless children to swell up the number of beggars in the world. Lions, elephants, bulls and other powerful animals have better self-control than men. Lions cohabit only once in a year. After conception, the female animals will never allow the male animal to approach them till the young ones are weaned and they themselves become healthy and strong. Man only violates the laws of nature and consequently suffers from innumerable diseases. He has degenerated to a level far lower than that of animals in this respect.


Engaging in the 8 limbs ... will ultimately lead to self awareness.
Take away your fears.
Take away your desires.
Take away your hopes.
Take away your dreams.
Take away everything.
And then, who are you?