to be comfortable in knowing and to be comfortable in not knowing.
IT was so weird today.
I have been having HORRIBLE times these past seven days with my side angle pose on my left side. It was so frustrating because, all of a sudden, I couldnt do this pose like I've done it in the past! I used to be able to go down to the floor, to bind - and then this past week I could barely get my elbow to my knee to do the basic pose (much less the more advanced stuff).
It was frustrating on the physical level.
But then I was frustrated because I was frustrated. Yoga isnt about doing what you could do in the past. Yoga isnt about being frustrated with your body's abilities.
I was afraid that this setback in this one asana was going to really affect my whole practice. I was going to start FEARing it.
It was odd that this happened when Betsy was teaching ... Bc later, I asked her this question about our intention. And Betsy wasnt even the instructor with me when we were setting up for the intention stuff. And she started talking about the purpose of the intention. And that helped me. Then she started talking to me about how she was coming home from her job as an airline stewardess. And it was New Years' Eve and it was all just hectic. And she ended up writing in a journal (or something, I dont know I really wasnt paying attention - KIDDING). And she wrote, like, 5 pages. And she said that was when she started being extremely honest with herself. And she knew that she actually wanted a husband. And then 4 months later, she got one.
And this was SO crazy because no one really knows in there the craziness in the LDS culture about getting married. And how I want to be married but not around this frenzy about getting married to get in the highest degree of Heaven way. I want to be in a marriage for me, for my husband, and for my posterity. For our stability. I feel like getting married to gain a high degree of salvation is great and all, but to the point where people are making hasty, perhaps ill-thought and planned out marriages is just immoral to me! When you get married so young and dont find out who YOU are, is that serving your future mate? your future posterity?
I know TONS of people make hasty decisions getting married and end up fine. But did they end up "the best"?
Well, it was just random that Betsy told me that later. And I just realized she was the one that brought me to that dreaded side angle pose. . . .
Okay, so back to asana practice.
We are in the side angle pose on the right side, my 'good' side (oh, how right that was in more ways than one). But the whole time Im thinking about the next step coming. The left side. I dont notice how great my body is on the right side because I'm already looking into the future about how bad its going to be on the left side. How many times do we do that in our life?
Then we go into side angle on the left side. I release out of it a few times. Feel very uncomfortable. And I feel the emotion just bursting from my face. Yes, I start crying in the middle of practice. The next pose we go into is Down Dog and I instead go into the nurturance of Child Pose. And cry. Like a child. My back is going up and down with my tears. Im quiet but I am sobbing to where I cant control my breath.
Is that yoga? Once you lose your breath, are you out of yoga practice? Is crying yoga?
I let the emotions come as they are though. I finish my practice in an emotion-filled but productive worthwhile way.
AFterwards, we were in Circle and the leader asked if anyone had anything they'd like to share about practice. Everyone was quiet and I feel like I was going to be allowed to speak. Like, they wanted me to get over this.
So I told the group about my frustration with the side angle pose on my left side and how I had just been frustrated because I didnt want this one failure to leak out into my whole yoga practice, my future yoga teaching, my perception about myself, and on outwards.
I mean, its weird! I have no pain in that leg. Nothing feels hurt or strained or tight there. Why cant I do it like the other side?
So we are told to stand straight and basically do a body scan of ourselves. In silence, of course. Feet on upward. To note any inconsistencies. Then we are told to focus all of our energy into the left side of our body. To note that. Then we are told to move that energy into the right side. Then to note that.
This was done over time, of course.
Then we got this little handout of 2 figures, one facing front and one facing back. And we were told to mark Xs where tightness and tension were. And Os where we felt openness. Then we were told to write comments about the R/L side of our body.
Then we got into partners. Mine was Lynn.
So I told Lynn that I felt my right butt clinch but not so much my left side. And then I also noticed that my right foot stayed grounded. I had more of my right foot touching the floor. My left foot had less contact with the floor. And I also noticed that when I wavered, my left leg's hamstring would tighten to compensate; whereas my right foot stayed consistently grounded.
Then, when we focused our energy on the left side, I noticed a dark red/maroon/black color. And this fiery energy. And when we were told to switch our energy from the left to the right side, I felt this "whoosh!" in my chest from the left to the right. It was like my energy was saying "O Im so glad Im not THERE anymore." And then my energy was all in the right side. And the right side was white light. Swirly comforting circular energy. In the exercise we were also asked to rest and find a "home" in our body. And mine was right behind my eyes.
Lynn was interesting. When I looked at her little man. Xs were all down the back fo the little man drawing. And Os were all down the front of the little man drawing. Lynn did have one O on the back of her little man. And it was right behind where her heart was. Lynn said she felt crazy saying this, but it might be because she's had people "stab her in the back" before and she feels like she can never relax back there. She says even when she washes her face ... she feels tight back there because she doesnt know when someone is coming . . . .
During posture focus, we brought this theme back up.
This guy in the class noted that he wasnt even aware that he had a back! So when we were doing posture focus on the Warrior (where students might have issues with leaning far forward), to tell students they have a back. That just because they are strong in the front part, does not make them strong everywhere. You align them where they are strong every where. Not just in the front or "where the camera sees".
What a freakin amazing discovery.
Where so many people live their whole lives, never experiencing one true deep belly breath how could they ever find something like this out?
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